This is actually a bit old. I'm starting to cope better. Life is moving on and I'm not in the really bad place like I was. For a while I made myself physically ill. That was all around July 27. Here's what I wrote that day because I needed an outlet. Now I'm sharing it with you.

How am I supposed to feel? I don't even know my own emotions right now. I feel so confused and I'm thinking in circles. I could almost cry but I don't know if it's because I think I should feel sad or if I actually do. I never thought it would happen this quickly. I never thought I'd be the recipient of those words. He struggled for nearly a week! Did I feel it coming? I think so. I knew something was off but I refused to write it down in my journal. Heck, I might've known all along. "Just friends." We've certainly known eachother too long. Maybe that's why we couldn't play our parts. And did I really know? Or am I just projecting on to the past? I feel lost. I now realize the words I was saying before at the lunch. The fateful lunch. I sounded like I was desperate (but in a reserved manner). Like I thought in school he might change his mind. I'd say "we" but I'm too lost in the turmoil to have an opinion right now. I wonder if all I ever wanted was to have a boyfriend to say I had one. Maybe I'm nt emotionally developed enough to be really ready to have one. That could be very possible. Then I think back to my old journals. I was scared that I would end up alone. Logically, that though comes back but I don't feel it's as true. Now I know what I thought I was missing. Just friends. I hope we can stay just friends. I hope nothing gets awkward. God, I couldn't stand band or UIL if we can't still be friends. I still feel like it didn't happen. No tears yet. I'm not sure they'll ever come. I'm just lost and looking to see how I SHOULD react. Not how I WANT to react. The want is lost in all the training I've learned in songs and movies about love. I should feel remorse, saddness, maybe anger or even relief. But I don't know what it is. I'm blank and flat and one-dimensional. I hope someday I'll enter the plane of three-dimensions but I don't know. Why can't I stop feeling logical for just one moment? I shouldn't consider prospectives or awkwardness of band or analyze feelings that may or may not be there. I don't want to get on facebook to change the relationship status. I know people will feel the need to comment and talk to me. I don't want their sentiments. And what about asshole Phillip? If he says one word, I'll kill him. And Haley, only a few moments before we were talking about the self-same issue. I want to share with her but I know she'll gossip or try to comfort and I can't deal with that. Shit, even yesterday I saw the signs. I admitted to mom that I like Geoffrey but he nevers gets really excited about anything. I was comparing him to Max (whom I still view completely as a friend). We really are better as friends. The romance (though there wasn't much) was too awkward. I don't think it will ever come back. I don't know what's ahead by any means but I'm sure the past is past. Oh god, I have to see him tomorrow at registration. I wonder how that's gonna play out? Actually, my brain isn't letting me think that far. It stops at the here and now. The end of today is the precipice. Ok, long term I can see ideas and thoughts I once had but the reality has been shattered. But why can't I feel?!?


I wrote this the day Geoffrey broke up with me. It was awful. That day, I also sliced my hand open on glass (on accident), finished the book thief and cried, and worked for about 9 hours. Worst day of my life! Luckily, a bit of time has passed. I no longer feel physically ill so that's good. I just thought I needed to get this off my chest some. I hope I didn't burden you too much.